***QUESTION***
Hi David,
You recently wrote:
"If you buy a woman enough dinners, she may begin to feel some
AFFECTION for you... but food and gifts will never lead to
ATTRACTION. Big difference."
So what do we do after the first date of tea and stimulating
conversation? I figure that at some point, I would like to go to
dinner with a new girl. Should I just let them pay for theirs? I
did that last time, since we were just becoming friends, I wasn't
that into the woman and didn't want to look like I was trying to
impress her (since I wasn't trying to impress her), and she also
has her own business and I could tell she wasn't struggling.
Dinner has been my main date approach in the past, and I have
become the Wuss in most cases! I recently came up with a good line
for a girl at the Farmers market who told me I should eat my
greens... I told her she should come over and cook them for me!
She didn't know how to respond, but I think she liked it by her
smile. I'm gonna hit her up next time to be serious about that
request, I think she can probably cook up some nice greens to go
along with my nice Ahi Tuna dish...
A.
>>>MY COMMENTS: I want to share an interesting story about a
conversation I had this evening.
I was talking with, of all people, my MOM about the topic of "men
paying for things for women" and it was fascinating to me to hear
her perspective. Without hesitation, she said that she believes
that men should pay for everything, and if they really like a
woman that they should SUPPORT her as well.
Of course, I burst out with "YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING!" After we
shared a laugh, she said "No, I'm not kidding."
And she wasn't kidding, either.
My own mother believes that it's just part of being a "gentleman
and good suitor" to pay for dinners, gifts, and even shelter for
the woman he desires.
I immediately replied with [paraphrased]:
"This kind of sounds to me like you believe that men should pay
women to give them attention, affection, and sex."
At this point I think she remembered that I write books about this
kind of thing and she gave up. But the thing that really got my
attention was that she REALLY BELIEVES THAT MEN SHOULD PAY FOR
EVERYTHING. IN FACT, SHE BELIEVES IT AT THE "WELL OF COURSE!
THAT'S JUST THE RIGHT THING TO DO" LEVEL!
Heavy man, heavy.
No wonder I was such a loser before with women.
OK, I love my mom and mean no disrespect towards her...
But let's talk about the real world for a second.
Here are a few things that I believe about how things work in
general when it comes to women and dating:
1) People in general, MALE OR FEMALE intuitively know when they
are being "pursued". As soon as we know that we have something
that someone else wants, the price starts to go up. Economics 101.
2) When the price starts going up (translation: she realizes that
you really like her and she starts playing hard to get, making you
"prove" yourself, etc.) you start to LOSE CONTROL RAPIDLY.
3) When you lose control, you have a couple of basic ways you can
respond: A) Pursue her harder, giving her even MORE control OR B)
Giving up. (Neither of these options sounds very good to me.)
4) An alternative is to NEVER START GIVING UP CONTROL IN THE FIRST
PLACE.
5) One way to do that is to stay away from things that put a woman
into the "courting" mode of thinking and behavior.
6) Asking a woman to dinner and then buying that is probably the
absolute most certain way to put a woman in the state of mind that
she is being "pursued" (with the possible exception of stalking
her, which I strongly discourage).
By the way, I'm not opposed to the idea of buying dinner for a
woman. I'm opposed to the mindset that you put her into when you
buy it. Make sense?
Before I tell you what to do instead, let me share what I'm
thinking when I first meet an attractive woman (I like unusually
beautiful women personally, so this might reflect a bit of a
bias):
"She seems nice, but in my experience you never know what a person
is like until you get to know them better. I'm willing to take the
time to have a cup of tea with her to find out more."
Get it?
I'M GOING TO GIVE HER THE CHANCE TO PROVE TO ME THAT SHE'S MORE
THAN JUST A PRETTY FACE.
I never think EVEN FOR A SECOND that I need to buy her dinner so
she'll sit and talk to me. No way.
Incidentally, or not so incidentally, having an attitude that you
need something other than yourself in order for a woman to like
you is UNATTRACTIVE to women. They can smell this kind of attitude
and lack of self worth. Bad, bad, bad.
OK, so you get that I'm not real big on the idea of starting off
paying for dinners and gifts.
"What should you do instead?"
I thought you'd never ask...
Well, first off, if you ABSOLUTELY CAN'T HELP YOURSELF and you
just HAVE to take a woman to dinner, at least frame it as "I want
to go out to this favorite restaurant of mine, and if you'd like
to go you're welcome to join me." Then if you decide to pay it can
be something you were doing for yourself, and you were being
POLITE by paying for hers. If you do this, make it clear that
you're there because you want to go there, and it's not to court
her!
A much better idea is to be creative and avoid all of the things
that scream "I'm willing to spend money to have your attention"
(and therefore driving the price of that attention up).
Why not a walk in the park? Going to an art show? Going window
shopping in an interesting part of town? Taking her with you to
run errands? Taking her to a party that friends are throwing?
Here's a hint: DO SOMETHING THAT HAS INTERESTING CONVERSATION AND
EXCITEMENT BUILT IN.
Sitting at a dinner table ALONE with someone that YOU DON'T KNOW
is hardly "interesting conversation built in" anyway. Think about
it. Take a moment right now and think of 10 things you could do
with a woman that cost little or no money, but have all kinds of
interesting conversation, adventure, excitement BUILT RIGHT IN.
Then, just do some of those things! Don't advertise the fact that
you're not "taking her out to dinner", just DON'T DO IT.
Hey, this is great... you get to have fun, not look like a wuss,
not put her in "courting" mode, and have interesting conversation
built right in. Added bonus: You save $$$. Nice.
What I'm really trying to say here is don't set up the idea that
you're paying for her attention. Just don't do it. And as for the
gal who you met in the market...
I love the fact that you suggested she should come over and cook
for you. Cocky and funny, very nice.
When she got that shocked look and couldn't respond you might have
said "Oh, I didn't mean to embarrass you... you can't cook, huh?
Well, that's OK. It's nothing to be ashamed of..."
These are the best moments to turn up the heat!
After that, just simply move to the "It was nice talking to you
but I have to get back to my shopping..." Then just after turning
away say "Hey!... Do you have email?"
"Yes."
"Great [pull out pen]. Give it to me."
Then follow up with this email:
"Hey, nice bumping into you at the market today. After carefully
considering it, I've decided that I can live with the fact that
you can't cook. I'll just have to adjust. I'm busy tomorrow, but
maybe the next day we can get together for a cup of tea and I can
teach you a thing or two about this cooking thing. It's really not
that hard, and I'm sure you'll get the hang of it in no time..."
By
the way, I have no problem with the idea of having a woman cook
for you. Just remember that if she does YOU NEED TO PLAY HARD TO
GET! Wait a minute, you need to do that anyway...
There's only one place in the world I know of that you can learn
all of this information quickly, easily, and thoroughly...
Just to go:
www.datingtipsformen.info
This book and the three bonuses that come with it are the
FOUNDATION for success with women. Everything you read in these
articles will make more sense once you have read the book.
